Music, Vol. 1

Can't really think of anything to post that doesn't relate to the same petty issues I'm continuing to face in my uninteresting life, so I figured I'd just post something about the current albums I'm really into.

I've really been into the whole sludge thing lately...it always happens when I start to listen to My War too much. I like bands in this genre from all walks of life. I've been digging Dystopia's "Human = Garbage" a lot. Neurosis's "Through Silver in Blood" is a pretty badass album, completely different from Dystopia, but it's still badass and slow and depressing as hell. I recently picked up Akimbo's new album "Jersey Shores" and it has a much more stoner rock/sludge feel to it than their previous albums. Consequently I enjoy I'm enjoying it more than their previous work. Very intense, very original, highly recommended. And, of course, I've been spinning the classic "Bullhead" by the Melvins a lot lately.

For faster stuff, I've been worshipping Lack of Interest's "Take Another Step". They do the best imitation of the Infest-era PV I've ever heard. Hopefully they actually play Speed Trials this year. I will attend if they do so.

Trap Them's "Seizures in Barren Praise" is a major candidate for Album of the Year to me. Seamlessly combines the chaotic instrumentation from "Sleepwell Deconstructor" with the heavy d-beat grooves and demonic guitar progressions of "Seance Prime" into a thick custard of metallic hardcore goodness. Delicious. Eat. It. Up. FUCKING VIVA.

Then there's this cute little album called "Fuck All Y'all Mother Fuckers" by a little band called Lords. They have a very interesting sound. It's hardcore, alright, but I can't describe it any more detail besides that. Just download it somewhere. It's one of the best albums to come out this year, in my humble opinion.

The last album I've been listening to a lot lately is Eating Glass's "Feed Them to the Vultures" EP. This is a scarily awesome piece of thrash right here. The vocalist sounds like a screeching demon from the deepest bowels of hell. Fast as fuck drum beats, guitar solos, 30 second spits of rage, it's got it all. Get into this shit. These fuckers are going to get big, I'm calling it right now.

Oh, and I refuse to listen to anything but Fucked Up's "Hidden World" in the car. It bores the shit out of my brother when I pick him up from school, and that alone is enough for me to continue to spin it. MANQUELLER MAN.

Currently listening to Poison Idea's "Feel the Darkness". Been a while since I've listened to this one. Still gets better with each listen.

Wow, this entry sucks balls.

Relapse

It seems I'm falling back into my mindset during the summer. Where everything seems boring, everyone is irritating, and I just don't know how to have an outlet to it all. My friends continue to piss me off, we do the same shit everyday and waste money and time on bullshit things that only make us feel good for an hour or so, whether it's food, drugs, or video games, it doesn't matter. I don't care about it. I still can't love the girl I think I love, and I thought I had solved this many weeks, if not months, ago, but it will continue to plague my mind until some shit actually hits the fan. Whether or not that's good, I have no idea.

I just want peace of mind.

At least I'm in a band (if not two bands? possibly?) that I actually give a shit about. That's one thing I do have. I actually am playing music that isn't stupid and only has to do with how "brutal" we are and how many myspace friends we have, and if we have enough money to play at venues we shouldn't be playing at. Run-on sentence much? Yes, but it was necessary to emphasize how petty and stupid the long running problems of that hunk of shit musical project were.

So at least I have somewhat of an outlet with this (these) new music project(s).

But I want results now, and not later. And I'm starting to worry if results to all of this will even turn up...at all.

My patience and sanity are wearing thin. I want a volcano eruption or something to break up this constant daily struggle of monotony.

Something.

Jumbled thoughts, probably don't make much sense now. Might edit this later with a bit more structure to it.

So-Called "Disorders"

I just got done reading an article about the mystery of autism and why it occurs, and it explains what a horrible thing it is that a child has to endure having difficult social connections with others.

And I stopped myself for a second. Is it really a curse that a child isn't aware of the depressing dark world that surrounds him? Or a blessing in disguise?

What about mental retardation? Is it really a tragedy? I mean, yeah, it puts quite a damper on the family that has to take care of him/her, but the child can experience the simple pleasures of life, and not realize they're just masking all the bleak, corrupted filth that envelopes the world. Playing with a toy, or balloon, or looking at a tree or a mountain, or gazing up at the sky...and being amazed.

Not knowing what it's like to interact with someone and know that you're being used, torn, beaten inside. Shit, I wish I didn't know.

It reminds me of back in elementary school, when I saw some kid tell another kid off for making fun of the retarded kid at our school.

"Don't make fun of him, he's retarded. That's so screwed up, dude, he can't help it."

Yeah, except the retarded kid doesn't know. Even if he did know, it would leave his mind in an instant and he'd go back to smiling from ear to ear because everything in the world is absolutely pure and beautiful within his conscience.

I'm not saying I'm jealous of the kids who have these issues, I'm just saying it's an interesting idea to really think about it. The people with these problems aren't suffering whatsoever. They look at the world and are enamored with it.

Doesn't just a part of your "normal" self want to feel what that's like? To ACTUALLY forgive and forget? To ACTUALLY be happy? To ACTUALLY accept things as they are?

I'm not ashamed to say I wish I could. Now it's your turn. Do you?

Alienation

I am the master of the art of alienation. I've lost so many friends due to my attitude.

I can't help but be bitter and discontent at a world so bleak in so many ways.

I can't help but be "awkward" or "weird" in a room full of lifeless, dull people with no heart to show for.

I can't help but think I'm more intelligent than most of these people that will never open their mind to anything but what has been handed right in front of them.

I can't help but want to talk to people all the time that may not always want to talk to me.

I can't help that I'm not some trend-following conformist prick and so therefore I am unappealing because I listen to music your narrow mind can't fucking handle.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I want any of you to be like me. I don't want anyone to think the way I think. I just want the world to show a little bit of compassion sometimes and maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm a fucking joke that never reaches its punchline.

Sunday Angst, Pt. 2

Yeah, I finally unraveled everything after months and months of pushing it to the back corner of my mind. It didn't make a speck of a difference. She wants something meaningful, I hand it to her on a silver fucking platter. Smacks it out of my hand. Alright then, obviously that's not what you wanted. Frustration beyond belief ensues in my mind.

For anyone else, I would say fuck it. But she's special. She always has been. She will never fucking leave my mind, I'm convinced. She's too good of a person.

After the initial unraveling, I thought everything was for naught. Even though I haven't gained anything, I certainly haven't lost anything. But at this point, what is there to lose. I feel like my friendship with her is growing more and more hollow every day because of my unrelenting desire for her. I can't help it. I've had many a chance to move on. Another girl stepped into my life a few months ago, but we've seemingly phased any physical attraction we had for each other rather quickly and are now basically friends.

So what do I do? Wait till another girl comes along and try again in order to fill some seemingly bottomless hole within me? No, fuck that. I'm more than that. I'm not going to accept some "substitute". What I felt is real. I've seen enough horseshit in my lifetime to know these emotions aren't going to just fade.

So what do I do?

/angsty teenage romance issues

I'm kewl now guyz

Yeah, alright I saw a few people were starting blogs. I'm fed up with myspace blogs since they always sound petty and ridiculous. So I figure maybe this will be a little less petty and ridiculous sounding.

What influenced me to start today though, well that is something I can explain.

Even my greatest of friends these days anger me to some magnitude or degree. Last night wasn't fun to me at all. I got high. Whoop Dee fucking Do. Two of my closest friends irritated the shit out of me last night despite my nice trip. Nothing is worse than being high and being angry. It ruins everything. You feel like you want to die inside. Luckily, food was within reach and my attention was diverted.

But looking back, seeing the way they interacted, it made me jealous. Incredibly jealous. Even though there was no substance to their embraces, a meaningless hug seems more real to me than nothing but a deep gaze into those eyes. Those eyes make me fucking melt. I hate everything about people, especially those eyes. Because they make me want something I will never have. They make me want a meaningless hug. I hate meaningless hugs. And somehow, those eyes make me want something I hate. So I hate those eyes. Fuck you, eyes.

First post, probably far from the last.